The Aliens.
The Publicity Agent is sitting in his office. He is adding more notations to a play script already much modified. The Capt'n enters.
Capt'n
Well, what's the story? Your promos have been a bit thin lately. Been doing skits for your sister-in-law again?
Publicity Agent
No, for my daughter.
Capt'n
Ah. Not for the aunt, but for the niece.
Publicity Agent
Say, how did you know they were aunt and niece?
Capt'n
Just a stab in the dark. So what's the new production, Cecil?
Publicity Agent
Zoe has got the job of organising a skit for the kids' club at her church. It's got to have an outer space theme. It's to start with four Aliens in luminous space suits. The suits are left-overs from some other show.
Capt'n
When you say kids?
Publicity Agent
It's for seven to twelve year olds, so I suggested a football theme. That seems to be the target age for AFL football guff. I suggested that the Aliens want to steal some significant component of AFL football to establish a league in their own galaxy - the Alien Football League.
Capt'n
Significant component?
Publicity Agent
We thought of the Premiership Cup, but that was a bit ordinary. Not much different than knocking off a couple of mouldy old jumpers. Zoe said we needed something "impossible to steal". I suggested the 2002 Football Fixture. Without the Fixture no one would know who was playing who. In the chaos there would be no football broadcasts and we could get some sense out of the ABC once more.
Capt'n
How could you steal a Football Fixture?
Publicity Agent
It's a fixture - anything that stands still runs the risk of being lifted - someone stole a road review once - it was never seen again. Besides Aliens are pretty smart. Zoe's idea was that they could steal the MCG. After stealing it they would put it in a cardboard box ready for transportation back to their galaxy.
Capt'n
Of course.
Publicity Agent
The Men in Black (they're available from another skit) are chasing the Aliens. They catch them after some audience participation stuff (which we haven't worked out yet) and rescue the box. The Aliens escape and plan to steal some other significant piece of Australian culture. The Men in Black at first don't realise that the MCG is in the box, but when they listen they hear MCG sounds coming out of it. The sounds will be played over the hall sound system, of course.
Capt'n
Of course.
Publicity Agent
The Men in Black open the box but the MCG won't come out.
Capt'n
You surprise me.
Publicity Agent
It turns out (I'm not sure how) that to get the MCG to come out, a group has to come up from the audience and sing a football club theme song.
(drive your friends (and others) up the wall with a football club theme for your mobile phone
ringtone. -ed)
Capt'n
And when they do?
Publicity Agent
Ah! The local football hero steps out and signs autographs.
Capt'n
Makes the SAP upgrade or the latest Strategic Alliance Agreement look pretty ordinary. Still, that's enough rot, I have to go and stock the Bar fridge. I'm illegally parked.
Publicity Agent
Hang on, I'll give you a hand.
The Capt'n and Publicity Agent leave. The office is empty. A small green luminous hand reaches through the closed window and undoes the catch. Two small green luminous figures crawl through the open window. One carries a small cardboard box. Eagerly they pounce on the script, peruse it and put it in the box. They check a couple of directories on the Publicity Agent's computer and then put it, together with monitor and keyboard, into the box. One Alien finds a piece of red chalk and writes on the wall.
Then laughing, in that delightful chuckling way Aliens do, they exit through the window carefully latching it behind them. The office is quiet again - short of a few items - but boasting the message;
Galaxical Campbell Bar, Cathedral of Chalesm, via Betelgeuse Seven, Friday, 5:00
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