Ambience.
It is a select room off a select corner of Georges, Collins Street, Melbourne. The Capt'n, meticulously dressed, and the Publicity Agent, dressed as he imagines in an "arty" style, are approached by a salesman.
The salesman is discreet to the extent of being ethereal. The atmosphere of the room, its ambience, is one of refined elegance, seemingly even beyond the magnificence of the decor and the furnishing. It is Wildean in character.
The almost tangible shades of Dorian, Basil and Lord Henry sit at ease smoking and sipping port.
Salesman by moving apparently only a few millimetres gives the impression of a deep bow
Sir?
Capt'n
Ambience, we would like to discuss ambience.
Salesman
Of course Sir. Would Sir wish to indicate the style of ambience that Sir is seeking?
Capt'n
I manage a club. It meets each Friday evening for the relaxation of its members and for the free exchange of ideas on Arts and Science. Exclusive clientele, no riffraff, nothing unseemly occurs.
Publicity Agent
Hey, that's not quite on line, Capt'n. What about the time when Vi... Och! (grabs ankle and rubs vigorously)
Capt'n
We seek your advice, we respect your expertise.
Salesman
Sir is too kind. Sir will understand that our speciality is fine English ambience.
We have, for example, ambience from the London Reform Club captured in the period between Phileas Fogg's departure and his dramatic, but gentlemanly, return precisely eighty days later.
We have obtained a slightly more relaxed ambience from the Criterion Bar, about the time Doctor Watson met young Stamford, the person who introduced him to Sherlock Holmes.
Publicity Agent
Doctor Watson and Holmes, they're good blokes, I had a chat with them a few weeks back.
(see Baker Street -ed)
Salesman
Two gentlemen.
Capt'n
There is a degree of relaxation at our evenings, perhaps we would not wish to be too constrained.
Salesman
Perhaps a blend. Something with a touch of (coughs, by way apology for the term), colonial.
Capt'n
A blend?
Salesman
We have some blends available. Sir, will understand that ambience can be blended in expert hands, in same manner as some exclusive fortified wines are blended.
(gracefully waves carefully manicured hands to indicate the blending process)
Publicity Agent as an aside to the Capt'n
Hey, Capt'n, I'm not too sure about this joker, I reckon he plays for the other team.
Capt'n aside to the Publicity Agent
It's okay, they know their stuff - anything arty.
and to the salesman
You might like to suggest a blend.
Salesman who actually warms to the task
I imagine if we use Criterion Bar as traditional base and for an exotic edge add a touch of a regimental staff club stationed in India. Yes, the Red Bull on Green, O'Hara's regiment, that will also give a hint of Irish.
Now for a little sharp young Australian spice we'll blend in a drop of Carlton Football Club Boardroom. I think Sir will be pleased with the result.
Capt'n
Excellent. I'll fix you up with cash. indicates cotton bag apparently containing notes and coin
Salesman coughs
Sir will appreciate it is not my custom to handle financial tokens intended for street use.
Publicity Agent to himself
I wonder what he calls a spade?
Salesman
Sir will appreciate that the financial transaction will be managed by the lady at the desk in the adjoining room.
Publicity Agent mischievously
Oh, you mean slip the brass to the piece of art playing the Jewish piano.
Capt'n
Come on Shakespeare. It's time we took you away.
It is Thursday after dark at the Campbell Bar room. Although the Capt'n and the Publicity Agent are the only people present, the Bar appears to be ready for full operation.
The Capt'n is enjoying a light Cascade, the Publicity Agent a glass of Bin 555. They are sitting at opposite sides of one of the high tables. On the table is a small wooden box, scraps of packing material and a bottle, apparently from the box.
The bottle could easily be mistaken for a bottle of Portuguese Vintage Port; it is made of dark, almost black glass and has a sealed cork. The simple label reads,
Ambience
Georges Blend
Number 3142
Publicity Agent
How do we know they weren't having a lend of us? (holds bottle up to the (dim) light) You can't see it, it weighs nothing and we paid good cash for it.
Capt'n
Relax. They're experts. Now let's check that we have this right. The ambience is absorbed into the features that give the situation its character. It is essential that they are all present at installation. Let's go through them.
New seating arrangement, soft lighting, event prints, security panel, extensive selection of drinks, dips, biscuits, cheese, olives, mood music, current liquor licence and et cetera.
Publicity Agent
Check!
Capt'n
Okay, I'll let her go.
He breaks seal and removes cork, the effect is immediate, the lighting is no dimmer yet it is softer, the music is no softer yet it is sweeter, within the Publicity Agent's wine a sparkle of light is caught, fresh condensation forms on the Capt'n's beer.
Without the sound being obtrusive the air is filled with the busy chatter of a happy throng. The Capt'n and the Publicity Agent stare at each other astounded.
Only just distinct above the general chatter a cocky voice followed by a sharp laugh is heard.
"Like hell you will!"
Capt'n
That was Elliott. I'll swear that was Elliott!
Publicity Agent reads from back label on ambience bottle
Carlton Football Club Boardroom, 1%.
notices card in packing material
Hey, Capt'n there's a registration card. They want a record of where the ambience is installed.
Capt'n
Right, fill it out. Campbell Bar, Applied Science 2, via Baker Street, Fridays at five.
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