The New World Order.
It is the Publicity Agent's office. His desk is clear except for a pair of scissors, a glue pot, and some two thousand carefully arranged small pieces of paper. Each piece is inscribed with either a first name, a family name, a phone number or a title.
Publicity Agent steps back to survey his work and in the manner of a man who has achieved something
Ah!
the Capt'n enters
Capt'n with deep sarcasm
What's this? Your fan club list?
Publicity Agent
Careful! The glue is still drying. It's a phone list organised by first name rather than family name.
Capt'n in a sort of humouring irony
That'll be handy. I bet there's no end of times you could use it.
Publicity Agent
Yeah. Imagine, the phone rings and the caller says, "John here". You think, "John who?". Well, with this list to hand you can reduce the number of possibilities.
Capt'n
If you had a caller display phone you'd know straight off.
Publicity Agent
This list is for ordinary people. Only important people have those flashy phones. Like some important people have natty staplers and LCD flat screen monitors.
Capt'n reflecting and slightly awed
I wonder if anyone has all three.
Publicity Agent
It's not possible. You couldn't fit all that prestige into one human.
Capt'n
If anyone does have all three, you'd certainly have to ask how it came about. So, what else can you use your list for?
Publicity Agent
Say you meet someone socially ...
Capt'n
... perhaps at the Campbell Bar ...
Publicity Agent
Yeah, at the Campbell Bar. You know them by their first name and later you want to contact them.
Capt'n
Why would you want to do that for?
Publicity Agent fiddling with a pen in his pocket
Perhaps you borrowed a pen and you feel you should return it. But the great thing about my list is that it's a New World Order.
Capt'n in mock impressed tone
A New World Order!
Publicity Agent
Well, a new University order. Everyone has new neighbors. People who were at the bottom of the old list are now towards the top. It's all changed. Like Sydney tossing Brisbane in the basketball.
Capt'n roughs up his hair, removes tie and makes a head scarf of it, holds his nose and sings
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
Publicity Agent
You may laugh, Jokerman, but something else has come out of this. There are about 518 names on the phone directory, but according to the web pages, the University employs only 420 people. [official statistics - ed.] Really, Authority should sort it out. Just how many people actually work here?
Capt'n hamming casual
Oh, about half. On a good day, perhaps two-thirds.
Publicity Agent
Oh, we're very smart now we're with private industry. [as Executive Officer, Bendigo Tennis Association - ed.] (Publicity Agent indicates three columns of pencilled crosses on wall) But I'll bet you didn't know that there are 261 females, 170 males and 82 people of indeterminate sex on the phone list.
Capt'n shocked
82 staff of indeterminate sex! Say, that's coming on a bit strong!
Publicity Agent
I mean they have titles that don't indicate their sex. Like Dr. and Prof..
Capt'n
There was a prof speaking at the last Great Debate. I wouldn't have thought that there was any debate about which sex she was! (now business-like) Anyhow, how's all this rot help our promotion?
Publicity Agent
I was hoping, perhaps if there was a bloke on the list called "Campbell Campbell" ...
Capt'n
... or a lamb called "Bar Bar". There should be a "Useless Useless" in there somewhere. Forget your stupid list. Just send out the usual email.
The Publicity Agent at his keyboard enters:
Bar Campbell, via Street Baker, Friday 5:00.
[check out the first name phone list - ed.]
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