*** A Matter of Honour ***
It is the Publicity Agent's office. He is relaxed, sitting in one chair with his feet up on the other chair. Thus stretched diagonally across his small office he occupies most of the available space.
On the floor and desk are dozens of uncompleted and overdue forms of all varieties. He is browsing through a quarto volume titled, "Balthus for the Fine Art Connoisseur".
There is the sound of light footsteps in the passage. Hurriedly, the Publicity Agent looks for somewhere to secrete the book. Sabine enters, he relaxes a little, but never-the-less puts the book face down on his desk.
Sabine is wearing unmatched striped socks (the stripes run clockwise on the left sock and anti-clockwise on the right sock) and an outfit made of angular shapes of different colours and sizes all cleverly fitted together.
Sabine
I've come to remind you of the promo you were going to do to honour the departure of our colleagues.
Publicity Agent looks vague
I think you were going to write something for me to work from?
Sabine indicates printed email she is holding
Yes, this is what I sent out to the Pharmacy Department, you could work something up from it.
The Publicity Agent puts on a knowing look, leans back in his chair sucking a pencil. Sabine reads from a printed email.
Dear people,
To honour four of our best men who are ...
The Publicity Agent puts on a "holier-than-thou" expression and holds up his hand to indicate "stop".
Publicity Agent
"Staff Members" We are required to have gender neutral material. The Capt'n is very particular about that since that hologram business. [see The Hologram -ed] We must say "staff members", not "men".
Sabine
But they are men?
pause, to herself
Yes. All men. sighs And they'll be away for months and months.
Publicity Agent
Let's cut to the facts. Could I?
takes email from Sabine, paraphrases
"honour the departure"
"Tom, John, Will, Bob"
"at the Campbell Bar, Friday"
"presentation between 5:30 and 6:00"
What's this presentation bizzo?
Sabine
Well there's another staff member who ...
Publicity Agent
Male or female?
Sabine
Male.
Publicity Agent
So, why not say "man"? What's with this PC "staff member" rubbish? We're not bound by that.
Sabine to herself
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten
to the Publicity Agent
There's this male staff member who intends to ...
There is a rapid tread of heavy feet down the passage and a masked man enters and indicates "shush".
Masked Man
Remember you are honour bound not to give away details. It will become clear on the night.
Publicity Agent
I heard a joke about honour and nights, it went.
She said, "I offer my honour".
He said, "I honour your offer".
pause
Masked Man
Well, is that it?
Publicity Agent
No, there's another line, but I can't remember it. It starts with "and" ...
The Capt'n enters. He is carrying a large television set that hits the door frame as he squeezes past the masked man, Sabine, the Publicity Agent and the two chairs. He balances the television set on the Publicity Agent's monitor. In the process, he inadvertently knocks "Balthus for the Fine Art Connoisseur" onto the floor. It falls open at a plate titled "Nu au repos". The Publicity Agent advertently kicks the volume under the desk.
Capt'n indicating the television set
It's for the soccer.
On the word "soccer" a male Brazilian soccer player rushes in, hits his thigh on the corner of the desk, throws his hands to his face and rolls on the floor, apparently in agony.
Masked Man
He's simulating.
Publicity Agent looks at figure rolling on the floor
No, he's just role playing.
Capt'n
Look, Sweden is playing Nigeria ...
Publicity Agent
I got this email from Nigeria, do you reckon ...
Capt'n
... it starts at 4:30, we'll open the 'Bar at 4:15. The clients can view the match live. And at 7:00, Paraguay plays Spain.
Publicity Agent
"Boots of Spanish Leather". It's a song by ...
Masked Man
No, soccer boots are made from Kangaroo hide.
Sabine alarmed
No!
John Wells enters, carefully avoiding the soccer player rolling on the floor. In each hand he has a bottle of yet-to-be-disclosed.
John
I thought I'd donate these to the Friday do.
Capt'n
Great! I'll work something out for distribution..
Publicity Agent
We honour your offer.
A figure in a gold and white robe and wearing a hat somewhat reminiscent of a chess piece glides in.
Robed Figure
Did someone say "honour"?
Publicity Agent eagerly
Say, do you know the finish of the joke that goes,
She said, "I offer my honour".
He said, "I honour your offer"
?
Robed Figure
Yes, but I'm sorry, I'm bound by a confidentiality agreement. I'll have to hush it up. I do know a Limerick about Oscar Wilde though.
There's a polite tap at the door. Arthur's cheery face looks in. He looks about trying to find the wastepaper bin.
Arthur
Where's your bin?
Those standing gather in a group, arms around each other's shoulder like a Barber's Quinquennium. The robed figure beats time with his crook, narrowly missing the soccer player still on the floor. They sing with gusto.
All
We've been workin' on the railroad, all the livelong day.
We've been workin' on the railroad, just to pass the time away.
the group is joined by the Central Victorian Women's Choir in harmony
Can't you hear the whistle blowing?
Rise up so early in the morn
Can't you hear the captain shouting
"Dinah, blow your horn!"
Dinah, won't you blow?
Dinah, won't you blow?
Dinah, won't you blow your horn?
Dinah, won't you blow?
Dinah, won't you blow?
Dinah, won't you blow your horn
Arthur wanders off, slowly shaking his head
Academics. Crazy useless academics.
fade to black
Honour the soccer, presentation and drinks at the
Campbell Bar, via Baker Street, Applied Science 2, 4:15 Friday.
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