*** A Question of Logic ***

It is the Publicity Agent's office. It is full of the usual clutter of unmarked students' work and partially completed or totally ignored administration forms. The Publicity Agent is sitting at his computer with an inverted aluminum pudding bowl on his head. Several cables and wires are connected to fittings on the pudding bowl. The Capt'n enters.

Capt'n
What's this. Trying to put the curl back in your hair?

Publicity Agent looks up and removes the bowl from his head
Interruptions, interruptions, ad nauseam. And all I hear are questions. Questions, questions ad nauseam.

Capt'n a little off put
What do you want me to do if I'm to speak to you? Fill out a form?

Publicity Agent indicates paper work around
All I see are forms. Forms, forms ad nauseam.

Capt'n
Why do you keep saying "ad nauseam"?

Publicity Agent
You mean to ask, "why do you say "ad nauseam", ad nauseam?".

Capt'n
Okay then, if you like. Why do you keep saying "ad nauseam", ad nauseam?

Publicity Agent
I don't keep saying "ad nauseam ad nauseam". I only said it once to help you out. Though I have said "ad nauseam" a few times. Anyhow, if you think it through, anyone must say "ad nauseam" more than he says "ad nauseam ad nauseam". He could say it as much as twice as often.

there is a pause while the Capt'n takes several deep breaths, then

Capt'n in a deliberately relaxed manner, and carefully avoiding forming a question
Tell me about this device you had on your head.

Publicity Agent
It connects to an IBM desktop computer. It's called EEG Link. I have a Macintosh version too. It's called AppleBrainChatterer. It's designed to allow a single person to have a brain storming session. The user thinks of an idea and all these associated ideas flood in from the net. It makes a brain storming session at the Nanga Gnulle look like ...

Capt'n
... look like a brain storming session at the Nanga Gnulle?

Publicity Agent
Yeah. On the other hand I've got some great ideas from EEG Link.

Capt'n skeptical
Yeah?

Publicity Agent
I've solved the four school problem.

Capt'n
You mean the four colour problem?
[I guess the Capt'n is referring to the four colour map problem, formulated mid 19C. It remained unsolved till Lewis Carol showed in his work, The Hunting of the Snark, that it could be reduced it to the one colour map problem which was easily solved - ed.]

Publicity Agent
The four colour problem - what colour to give the person who runs fourth? No, the four school problem. You see the arguments for moving to four schools or staying with three are pretty well matched. But I have a solution. We simply have three schools for the first semester and four schools for the second.

Capt'n
But think of the administrative nightmare it would be!

Publicity Agent rhetorically, in the manner of a middle eastern stereotype who is not a follower of Mohammed
All the present system is not?

Capt'n
Your four school solution has got as much chance of getting up as Danny has of getting a rise out of a Collingwood supporter. What other brilliant ideas have you generated?

Publicity Agent
I've solved the car parking problem, and, the timetabling problem.

Capt'n
This will be good.

Publicity Agent
We divide the Uni into three groups - students, administrative staff and other staff. Each takes a day off in turn. So there will always be enough car parks. Because three doesn't go into five, (indicates a multiplicity of chalk marks on the wall) it will be a different day each week. But each three day sequence will be the same.

Capt'n
Great. So how will that help the timetable?

Publicity Agent
The problem with the timetable is that there are too many days. This idea will reduce the number of days that need to be filled out. Now it will be only three instead of five. Therefore it will be only 60% of the effort. I've solved the web pages problem too.

Capt'n
The web page problem.

Publicity Agent
People complain they can't find what they want on the Faculty web pages.

Capt'n
Do they?

Publicity Agent
The links seem to lead them to random pages. Now, clearly it's not the design of the pages that's at fault. It must be the users. Afterall, there are more people associated with the design of the web pages than there are staff in the Division of Physical Sciences and Engineering.

Capt'n
So? There are more cleaners than there are staff in PS and E. What does that prove?

Publicity Agent
It proves that either,
cleaners are good at web page design,
or,
a duck is not an animal.

Capt'n
But a duck is an animal.

Publicity Agent
What? As in "Watch out! It's coming back! Duck your head!"?

Capt'n
About the web pages.

Publicity Agent
Well, the solution is to randomise the links. Then, when users make random mistakes they'll end up at the right place afterall.

Capt'n
It won't work that way. Can't you see? There are so many possibilities.

Publicity Agent emphatically
Either a thing's right or it's wrong. Right?
When somethin's not right it's wrong. [I do believe, the Dylan quote is inadvertent - ed.]
There are only two possibilities. Right or wrong. Right?
If we change one to the other, the other becomes the one, as a consequence.
The wrong link becomes the right link, and the right link becomes the wrong link, as sure as night follows day.

Capt'n
And the little lamb followed Mary to school the very same day. Look, I think you need a rest, all this brain storming business is wearing you down. Just press the "send again" button. (indicates email program on Publicity Agent's computer)

the email reads
Campbell Bar, via Baker Street, Applied Science 2, 5:00 Friday

Capt'n the Capt'n starts to leave, at the door, he pauses, turns, and asks conspiratorially
Psst. Why did you really say, ad nauseam?

Publicity Agent
I like to throw a bit of Greek around occasionally. It gives me an excuse to speak in italics.


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