*** Metaphysics ***

 The Publicity Agents office. The walls are covered in a mosaic of space probe photos and portraits of the great philosophers from Plato through to Leunig. The Capt'n enters.

Capt'n
Okay, okay, what's the excuse this time? Look at the half-baked stuff you've been turning out lately.

Publicity Agent
I've been appointed head of Controversy, Debate and Unification.

Capt'n
What on earth's that?

Publicity Agent
We handle the great metaphysical problems of life.

Capt'n
When did you start?

Publicity Agent
A month ago.

Capt'n
So now you tell me?

Publicity Agent
It was a secret. So secret that I was in the position two weeks before I found out myself. I was browsing the web and stumbled across myself with a new title.

Capt'n
Why on earth was it a secret?

Publicity Agent
That's what I asked.

Capt'n
Well? Did They tell you?

Publicity Agent
Yes.

Capt'n
Well?

Publicity Agent
I can't tell you. It's a secret too.

Capt'n waves hands in "this is going nowhere" gesture, then indicates posters
What's all this guff?

Publicity Agent
It's part of my position with Controversy, Debate and Unification, I need to find the secret of the Universe.

Capt'n
With a little job like that, I don't know how you fill in the day.

Publicity Agent
I want to knock this one over before I tackle The Two Real Problems.

Capt'n
The Two Real Problems?

Publicity Agent
How to make a flywire door which doesn't look like it's done a stint in a war zone after six months on the average house and how to stop those little frames that hold up suspension folders carrying on like they've come to some free beer deal with Tooey's.

Capt'n
So how will you solve this lesser problem?

Publicity Agent
I look at all the past theories and all the current ones. I've discounted all the theoretical physicists, Hawkins and that lot.

Capt'n
Just like that?

Publicity Agent
Yeah, they completely ignore the coffee cup theory. You see whatever they do, however clever they are, they still can only investigate the universe that they are a part of. There's no way they can ever demonstrate that our whole universe is not just a bubble in someone else's coffee cup.

Capt'n
You stole that. [does anyone have a reference for this concept? would be appreciated - ed.]
So which way do you lean?

Publicity Agent
Classic.

Capt'n
Classic?

Publicity Agent
To begin at the beginning,
there was a great big secret that no-one would ever have the mind to encompass.

Capt'n
For [deity]'s sake, what's not a secret with you?

Publicity Agent
to himself Ah! Got him!
then aloud The Campbell Bar, via Baker Street, Applied Science 2, Friday 5:00

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