*** The Third Way ***

It is the Publicity Agent's office. On one wall is a large map of Australia, including Tasmania. There are many yellow, red and blue pins stuck in the map. The Capt'n enters.

Publicity Agent
Oh, it's you Capt'n. A visitor. This is a pleasant surprise. You know, it's been my experience that some evenings you can get a pleasant surprise.

Capt'n
Don't hand me any smooth talk. What you're saying is, that you haven't done this week's promo yet. (indicates map and pins) What's all this rubbish? Pin the tail on the donkey?

Publicity Agent
No, but I know some great party games.

Capt'n
The Democrats know some great party games. But if it's not pin the tail, what is it?

Publicity Agent with the air of someone announcing an extremely important discovery
It's the Third Way.

Capt'n
There are only two ways. You can jump, or you can be pushed. What's the third way?

Publicity Agent
Ah! Nelson thinks there are only too ways two.
[perhaps "two ways too"? –ed.]

Capt'n
Nelson?

Publicity Agent
In the Nelson report on universities. He argues that there should be universities where there is only teaching and universities where there is only research. But he's overlooked the third one.

Capt'n in the tone of voice of a man who is reaching deep within himself to find enough fortitude to see the ordeal through
Go on, what's the third one?

Publicity Agent triumphantly
Management! Look at your average university and you'll see that management is an extremely important part of the whole box and dice. That's why management funds come off the top, that's why managers have the best offices, the latest in mobile phones and natty little staplers that actually work. Clearly there is enough substance in management to justify it being a university on its own.

Capt'n puzzled
But what would the staff do in a management only university?

Publicity Agent
I don't see the problem. In a teaching university, lecturers will lecture. In a research university, researchers will research. In a management university, managers will manage.

Capt'n
Manage what? (in the tone of a man labouring a point) What, will, they, actually, do?

Publicity Agent in a isn't it obvious voice
Just what they do now, of course. They will hold meetings, draw up vision plans and mission statements, decide on the name of their university, re-structure themselves, create new management positions, put out press releases, form sub-committees, amalgamate committees, liaise with other management groups, go overseas, have guests from overseas, talk to politicians, upgrade their offices, upgrade their computers, upgrade their staplers, that sort of stuff. There'll be stacks for them to do. (emphatically) And, they'll do it much more effectively because they won't be hassled by the demands of teaching and research staff. (waves hand at map) That's why there's so many more red pins than blue or yellow pins. Once management universities are created with campuses of their own, they'll really thrive. There'll be only one in Tasmania of course, that's because in organizations of seven or more in Tasmania they have to double up on family members to get the numbers up.
[presumably an allusion to the Tasmania Liberal Party, now down to seven members in the House of Assembly, including a father and son pair, Hodgman and Hodgman – ed.]

Capt'n
So that's the third way? Research, Teaching, and, in addition, Management.

Publicity Agent
I can see that you like the concept. It's not limited to universities of course. For example, take the Campbell Bar, we could divide it up into three zones. In the first zone, we'll have all the clients who ...

Capt'n
Stop!
the Capt'n rips the map of Australia off the wall, gags the Publicity Agent with a wad made from Tasmania, and on the mainland reverse writes -
Campbell Bar, via Baker Street, Applied Science 2, 5:00 Friday
Now go and pin this up somewhere prominent!

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