The Wake.

It is April 2001. The Publicity Agent is having a cup of coffee in the Applied Science tea-room which also serves as the Campbell Bar. Two men enter, one with a measuring tape, the other with rolls of plans. They freely discuss the plans and measure the room ignoring the Publicity Agent. It is clear that alterations are intended. The Publicity Agent can see that if he doesn't ask directly he will never find out what this is all about.

Publicity Agent
I'm sorry, but I'd very much like to know on whose authority you are acting and what exactly you are after?

Man with tape in a tone of mild surprise
Haven't you heard yet? The people on the Hill and, [nods towards the man with the plans] other powers have decided that a testing institute of Faculty importance should be set up on this campus and be accommodated in the building currently used for the Campbell Bar. That's it, isn't it, colleague?

Man with plans nodding his head
Yes, that's it. That's the way it is. [he eyes the Publicity Agent somewhat sympathetically and gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder] I'm sure you can stick it out for another couple of weeks and then they'll build you a new Bar - an even better one! That's how things go, my friend, so don't let it get you down. It can't be helped. It's all for the good of the cause!

Publicity Agent
But how....
(the plagiarism committee might like to check Solzhenitsyn, A., For the Good of the Cause, 891.744 SOLZ, pp 68,69 - ed.)

* * * * * * * It is mid May 2001. For some time now the reorganization machine has been making ponderous but relentless progress towards the inner reaches of the Applied Science Two basement. Rooms have been emptied, rooms have been filled. Walls have been knocked down, walls have been built. Electrical circuits dismantled, electrical circuits constructed. Plumbing disconnected, plumbing reconnected. Decisions made, decisions reconsidered. Plans drawn, plans redrawn.

There is dust on the floors and the sound of hammering in the walls.

* * * * * * * It is the 21th of May 2001. It is the south end of the Applied Science Tea-room, the south end of Campbell Bar. The art works have been stacked to one side. A hole has been knocked in the wall. The Publicity Agent sits on a some builders' rubbish looking at the hole and running mortar rubble through his fingers. The Capt'n enters through the hole.

Capt'n
What a mess! It's worse than the HIH board room back there. This week will be last for the Bar in this locality for sure. We need to have a wake to farewell the bar.

Publicity Agent nostalgically
This wall, this rubble, it's like Belfast. My daughter went to Ireland, she visited Belfast. In the troubled area she saw a wall that was covered with vicious graffiti, but someone had written right up high "I don't understand you lot, why don't you give up all this shit and have a beer". It was so obviously Australian she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Capt'n
Yeah, that Aussie was right, that's the go. Sure it will be a wake but that doesn't mean it needs to be a funeral. [laughs] Well, you know what I mean.

Publicity Agent
When you say "wake" .... ? How on earth will I promote a wake? People come to the Bar to relax, to cheer up.

Capt'n
Um...

Both Publicity Agent and Capt'n take up thoughtful attitudes in the style of Rodin's thinker.
Enter tall gentleman in dark suit and with cheery grin.

Gentleman
Good afternoon everyone.

Capt'n
Good afternoon, Professor Dean.

Publicity Agent follows lead
Good afternoon, Professor Dean.

Gentleman
Now, you blokes, I've told you, no need to be so formal.

Capt'n
Hi, Les.

Publicity Agent
Gid 'ay, 'ow ya goin', me old china, orright?
Capt'n gives Publicity Agent a sharp "don't-over-do-it!" look

Gentleman
You seem to be puzzling about something.

Capt'n
It will be the last night here for the Bar this week.

Gentleman
Ah.

Publicity Agent
And you see, we want a wake, not a funeral. We don't know how to go about it.

Gentleman
Ah. I see your problem; let's see if I can help.

The three draw up a concrete brick each and go into a huddle. Suddenly the Publicity Agent is on his feet, breaks clear pressure pack in hand and writes on the wall. As the writing crosses the hole it flashes into inverse video.

Campbell Bar Wake - Friday - 25th May - Applied Science Two Basement. YOUR FIRST DRINK FREE!
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