Perversions.

Late evening Campbell Bar. The room is darkening as dusk falls. All the bar material is packed away except for the speakers and the two tall tables. The Captain and the Publicity Agent are leaning on one of the tall tables. The Captain is finishing a light beer and the Publicity Agent is drinking coffee. Through the glass doors they can see the coloured pennants in the Cr�che catching the last zephyrs of the day. A schoolboy rides past on his skateboard with poetic grace. Billy Joel's Piano Man track is playing.

"It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile"

Capt'n
 Every night's different.

Publicity Agent (absorbed in reading a few photocopied sheets)
 Mmhm.

Capt'n (with idle interest)
What's that you've got there?

Publicity Agent
 I found it on the tearoom table. It's an article by a bloke, Gideon Polya from Bundoora, "The Perversion of our Universities". He says there's a crisis.

Capt'n (the beauty of the moment is threatened)
Hang on! Hang on! There's none of that sort of stuff in our university.

Publicity Agent
 He didn't say "perversion in" he said "perversion of" ...

Capt'n
 He reckons we're being perverted?

Publicity Agent
 Yes, but not in a .... , he means that our mission is being perverted.

Capt'n (more at ease, the word "mission" is safe ground)
Go on what does he say? Does he speak about mission statements; we never finished ours, remember?
(see kim.htm ed.)

Publicity Agent
 He speaks of "a core ethos".

Capt'n
 That's good! We'll use that! What's in a core ethos?

Publicity Agent
 "commitment to truth"

Capt'n
 We meet the specs there alright. There are more home truths spoken at the Campbell bar than the rest of the Uni. put together. Your mate Shakespeare said something about that, didn't he?

Publicity Agent
 Yeah, but why you'd drink wine out of a cup has me tossed, unless it was a licence dodge.
(sorry quote is not to hand, will insert when available -ed)

Capt'n
 Come on, let your mate Gideon bowl another one up.

Publicity Agent
 "reason"

Capt'n
 Over the fence with that one. At the Campbell Bar you can get a cold lite stubby for less than the standard per slab price and then the biscuits, cheese, dips and salami are free - nothing could be more reasonable than that. Send in the next one.

Publicity Agent
 "free speech"

Capt'n
 Free! There's so much cheap speech flying around here some nights, you couldn't give it away.

Publicity Agent
 "free inquiry"

Capt'n
 "What's in that fridge?" "What's in the other fridge?" "Have you got this?" "Have you got that?" If I charged a cent an inquiry, well, we could serve caviar instead of dips.

Publicity Agent
 "collegiality"

Capt'n
 We are the University experts on that one - no contest!

Publicity Agent
 "public responsibility"

Capt'n
 Everyone gets a clean glass; you could hardly be more responsible than that now! OK we'll pinch that core ethos stuff for our mission statement. Anything else we need to tidy up while we're at it?

Publicity Agent
 Our name's OK, but a couple of the schools are still looking for theirs.

Capt'n
 I always reckon you're in a bad way when you don't know your own name! Anyhow I solved that one for 'em - piece of cake.
Campbell School of Arts and Education,
Campbell School of Heath and Science,
Campbell School of Management .....

Publicity Agent
 How about the Campbell School of It's About Time We Packed the Speakers Away and Carded Out?

(Campbell Bar, Applied Science II basement 5:00 Friday.)

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